A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!
A Colbert Christmas is a hard-hitting, truthy attack on everything that is wrong with America. (Jews, anything other than nutmeg, etc.) It features many famous people, like some people and Stephen Colbert, therefore making it true. Sponsor * Axe Detailer Shower Tool ** buff your jingle bells! Guests * Elvis Costello * John Legend * Toby Keith * Feist * Willie Nelson * Dr. Colbert's Jewish Friend * and Santa Claus Stephen Prepares To Go To The Taping Of His Christmas Special * Broadcasting legend, Stephen Colbert sits at the piano singing a song he's working on, ::Jingle man, Christmas Boy... * he's so excited he's sporting a Yule Log * tape special in New York City ** carolers ** elves ** and a recently hobbled Tiny Tim ** goats dressed as reindeer * Elvis Costello is his guest ** his real name is "Declan Patrick Pippy Go Merry Buttons" ** older male Avril Lavigne *** instead of skateboarding, Elvis sings about people dying in shipyards * Stephen is writing new Christmas carols ** when someone else gets the royalty checks, it doesn't sound like Christmas to Stephen * Stephen sings (It's) Another Christmas Song * Stephen opens the door on his way to New York, but there's a bear on the other side trapping him in his cabin! Toby Keith Visits Stephen's Cabin, Wherein They Discuss The War On Christmas * Stephen frets about not being able to leave the cabin * Santa delivers Stephen's gifts to the studio ** Christmas won't come for Stephen * calls Elvis Costello to tell him what's happening * There's a knock on the door * Stephen asks whoever it is to say something a bear wouldn't say ** the person on the other side of the door says "I hate honey" * Toby Keith says he's out hunting deer for Christmas presents * Toby Keith sees popcorn on the table and begins stringing them * Stephen roasts chestnuts in the fireplace ** the smell reminds Keith of Christmas * the two lament how businesses are forgetting Christmas ** Stephen mentions how in San Francisco it's legal to marry your Christmas Tree * Toby Keith sings There's A War On Christmas * As Toby Keith walks out, Stephen notices they are both under the mistletoe, which really wasn't so awkward * Stephen waves goodbye to him and angry birds chase him back inside the cabin with their threatening "chirping" Willie Nelson Appears In A Vision And Relates His Heightened Awareness During This Time Of Year * Stephen uses night-vision goggles to look for the bear through his window, but can't see a damn thing ** he puts sunglasses on to try and it still doesn't work * Stephen asks The Baby Jesus in the Nativity Scene atop his piano * he realizes there are four wise men, one of them begins to talk to him and it's ... ** Willie Nelson! *** Willie's so high, Stephen is hallucinating * Willie sings Let Not Mankind Bogart Love * Stephen tells Willie that his wonder weed might not be a good gift for a child * Willie says he has no gold * Stephen reminds him that he has 26 gold records * Wilie asks The Baby Jesus if he can get his weed back * Elvis Costello can be heard shouting in the background ** he's been on hold! * he just rehearsed The Nutcracker with The Jonas Brothers ** the mice were not mice, they were goats in mice ears * Elvis has to save the Jonas Brothers who have fallen through the ice Back In The Cabin * a policeman arrests Willie Nelson ** he tells the cop it's not his; he's holding it for the donkey A Strange Man Who Believes Strange Things Visits Stephen's Cabin Stephen searches the fridge for something to rub on his body to throw the bear off his scent * blueberry syrup *salmon Stephen's Jewish Friend let's himself in the backdoor * he claims there are no bears outside Stewart breaks the news about The Jonas Brothers * they fell through the ice and will be missed without Christmas, there's nothing to calm Stephen down after Halloween * Stewart claims there are other holidays * Stephen recites the ones he knows about: ** Christmas ** Christmas Eve ** America's Christmas Stephen's Jewish Friend sings Can I Interest You In Hanukkah? * after singing, they find themselves under the mistletoe, Stephen explains normal people's tradition of kissing when found under the mistletoe **Stewart explains the Jewish tradition when people find themselves under the mistletoe A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All! brought to you by the Axe Detailer Shower Tool: buff your jingle bells! John Legend & An Angel Who Looks Like Feist, But Isn't, Visit Stephen To Help Him Understand The True Meaning Of Christmas * Stephen hopes for a gimmel as he spins the dreidl ** losing 4 more chocolate coins to the potato pancake * there's a knock at the back door ** Stephen grabs his light saber * John Legend disintegrates it with his Jedi powers ** he's a forest ranger *** R&B stands for "roots & berries" * Legend unmutes the fire * he offers Legend a cup of Egg Nog ** there's enough rum in it to blind a pirate * but it doesn't have any nutmeg in it ** no nutmeg is like serving a turkey without a duck and a chicken inside ** nutmeg gives Egg Nog it's "mmm" and "hey" * John Legend sings Nutmeg * Stephen proclaims that he's never heard a song about a spice before ** Legend reminds Stephen that Tony Bennett did a whole duets album with a can of oregano * Legend leaves to find a meg so he can nut it! ** as he does, he angrily tells Stephen he doesn't understand Christmas at all! * Stephen prays to his Father in Heaven and asks him to show him the way ** he is put on hold *** the on-hold music is performed by Feist singing Please Be Patient (An Angel Will Be With Thee Shortly) * God sends an angel who looks very much like indy folk darling Feist, who swears she isn't * Stephen notices they are under the mistletoe ** he attempts to kiss her ** she makes it disappear * she asks Stephen to stop asking for his most heartfelt prayer: an oreo with a cookie in the middle * Stephen asks her not to sprinkle dust on him as he still has a contact high from his encounter with Willie Nelson earlier ** Feist grants Stephen's wish for a Christmas special anyway by making Elvis Costello appear outside his window * the bear attacks Elvis and Stephen asks the "Angel" to do something ** she cannot as she has no power over bears; they're godless killing machines * Stephen can hear Elvis on the phone, telling him to fight off the bear ** puts him on hold to take another call *** asking if he wants weekend delivery of the New York Times ** he goes back to Elvis (cut to commercial) Stephen Meets A Bear, Kisses The Bear, The Bear Tries To Kill Him, Santa Saves Stephen And Everyone Lives Merry Christmasly Ever After * Stephen is lying down with tinsel on his face ** Elvis got himself eaten by a bear * Stephen is saddened by Elvis' death, then sings (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding * a bear walks through his backdoor and accompanies him in the song (sounding remarkably like Elvis Costello) ** Toby Keith joins from the forest ** Feist joins from the sky ** Willie joins from outside the nativity scene ** John Legend joins from the forest * everyone sings together in front of the Nativity * Stephen realizes that it's the time of year when two sworn enemies can put aside their differences and live in peace * Stephen sees that he and the bear are under the mistletoe ** they kiss * Stephen realizes how delicious he is moments before the bear begins chasing his delicious self around the cabin * Santa appears in the fireplace to fight off the bear ** Elvis comes out of the bear * Santa gives Stephen a DVD of the Christmas Special they're in right now! * Elvis Costello is so excited at the prospect that whatever he says will be on the DVD he shouts out a common British exclamation: :"Plum pudding Christmas crackers, David Bowie is a woman!" Elvis Helps Stephen Write A Christmas Carole * Stephen straightens out the bear that is now a rug on the floor of his cabin * every time a bell falls an angel gets its balls * Elvis joins Stephen in song with Much Worse Things To Believe In * Elvis figures out the rhyme Stephen was stuck on at the beginning of the show! Hero Reviews It freaking rocks. Soundtrack The soundtrack was truthful for a Grammy Award in 2010 as "Best Comedy Album". Available For Purchase * Buy the DVD * Help Feeding America ** by bidding on the boots Dr. Colbert wore during his Christmas special (eBay) ** or donate directly to utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=feeding%20america&__utmv=-&__utmk=37007776 Feeding America * Buy it on iTunes! * While you're at iTunes, download the Truthiness-filled Grammy winning soundtrack as well!